Wait for it

kateandgerry-laughingAny time soon.

And the tweets and posts will start in full force and the onslaught will begin because the Daily Express have a picture of Kate and Gerry McCann laughing. When I started this blog, I had every intention of keeping it McCann free, but sometimes things don’t work out as you planned.

Today being one of those days, yes I have read some tweets about it already, but wait until the radid anti-McCann people wake up and log in then all hell will break loose.

Personally I am glad that Kate can finally smile, lets hope this is the beginning of them being able to move on with their lives.  A sign that they are out of that dark hell hole they have been imprisoned in for the past 4 years and the start of them being able to see light at the end of that dark tunnel.  A time where they both can look forward with hope instead of dread.

Like others I wish Madeleine to be found and I hope their nightmare is over pretty soon.

But before the condemnation really starts as it sure will do, I do hope people look back on their own lives and think of times when they were sad and could not laugh and then look at themselves now and how they can laugh.

People say that when things happen they could not function, but there are some people who all of a sudden function when tragedy and crisis strikes, spring into action.

When my dad died, I was the one that arranged the funeral, sorted out all the death certificates and contacted the relevant people. I was the one that did the paperwork for my mum and I was the one that showed the strength and found the strength to do these things. Instead of wailing and being an emotional wreck, something inside me kicked in and I became the linchpin that held it all together for everyone, for those first few days.

Yes I had my tears but somehow I managed to keep going and it seemed as if all this was happening to someone else not me.

The doctor came to see my mum and he told my family that my mum was OK but they should look out for me, he said, “She’s too calm, too focussed and when it finally sinks in what has happened it will hit her like a ton of bricks.”

My god how right he was, seven days later when that hearse pulled up outside my mum’s home with my dad laid in a coffin with all the flowers around him, it hit me.  I froze, I could not walk, I could not move, I felt as if the world had stopped and everything was in slow motion. People were speaking to me but I could not hear, everything I heard seemed muffled, nothing clicked nothing registered and I felt so alone.

Inside I was completely numb and the realisation that my father had died finally dawned on me.  The realisation that I would never be able to speak to him again, see him again or ask for his advice, finally hit home.  I know I had my mum but I felt that day as if I had died inside and my body was just going through the motions.

How I ever managed to make that next step to go to that funeral I will never know.  For many months if anyone mentioned my dad, I would have to walk out of the room, it was too painful to talk about him.  I knew the only way to deal with the pain was to act as if he never existed. It was my way of dealing with things.  It was not because I didn’t love my dad, it was because I loved him so much and missed him so much that it hurt too much to think and speak about him.  Every time I thought of him I felt as if my heart was being ripped out one more time.  I had a 5 year old son that needed his mum not some broken woman who was a mess.

Then one day, someone said something about my dad and I replied, I found I was talking about him, laughing at the funny times, remembering the good times.  It seemed as if time had taken away the rawness, time had started to heal the pain.

The pain of losing someone you love never goes you just learn to live with it.  Just because I could laugh and I started to enjoy myself, it didn’t mean I had no respect for my dad, or I didn’t love him.  It meant that time was just teaching me how to deal with things in a less painful way.  I miss my dad today as much as I did 23 years ago.  But when I think of him now, I think of the good and happy times and thank my lucky stars for having the best dad in the world.

No-one in their right mind would want or wish Kate McCann to live her life forever in a solemn and sombre way.  She has two other two children who need laughter, love and fun times in their lives. I am glad to see Kate laughing and when I see her her laugh to me it doesn’t mean she has no respect for Madeleine, just like it doesn’t mean I have no respect for my dad when I laugh.  It just means time is doing what it does best, teaching her how to cope with things and how to deal with the pain. Time never takes away that pain, it just teaches you how to live with it in a less painful way.

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